so, as listed in my “list of things to do”, it’s stated that i want to become fml famous. i have tried & tried countless times and was rejected each time. it got to the point where i would lie a little just to see if my post would be accepted… it wasn’t. THEY weren’t. here is a collection of my failed attempts (i will explain the incident in more detail, if necessary & verify the truth);
 
today, i hooked up with this really hot british guy. after a while, he started yanking on my hair; pulling me closer to him. he then proceeded to choke me because he wanted to see if i ”liked being strangled”. i didn’t. my vision blurred, i couldn’t breath, and i almost passed out. fml.
(straight up, this happened. no bullshit in this fml. i don’t really see the need to elaborate any further.)
 
today, at the grocery store, my friend donated 2$ to charity to get an animal balloon. instead of a balloon, we got a 5 minute lecture on jesus and had to say a prayer to let him into our hearts. she doesn’t believe in jesus, and i couldn’t stop laughing. fml.
(it’s a shame there’s a character limit to these posts, because this one needs some elaboration. basically, her and i are no saints and to people who preach god as much as this balloon-making man did, we would be considered straight up sinners. now, i don’t exactly have enough time, or enough of the ability to recollect all the sins & crimes we’ve committed, but let’s just say one day there’s gonna be a book about it. if we don’t get caught first.)
 
today, my boyfriend and i were having sex. his mom came home and caught us. she then took him out into the kitchen and began lecturing him on the matter. he’s 25. fml.
(okay, so this happened a while ago, like over a year ago. but it was still like an “OMG” factor. i actually sat in his room shitting my pants waiting for her to come lecture me – which she didn’t, thank goodness. but still, a 25 year old man, still living with his mom, who gives him shit for having sex…BRUTAL. i guess it’s more of an “fml” on his part. but it happened to me too, dammit!)
 
today, i got kicked out of the casino because my jeans were ripped. fml.
(i took my friend out for her birthday and the casino was on our “to do” list. i didn’t get kicked out for having a fake id, no, i got kicked out for being stylish. ugh.)
 
today, i got kicked out the casino. why? because my jeans were ripped. i looked up and saw a man wearing filthy overalls and no shirt underneath. he was playing the slots. fml.
(naturally, i posted on fb that i had gotten kicked out of the casino because of my ripped jeans. to which one of my friends had responded saying he had gone to the casino & seen a man in there with filthy overalls and no shirt underneath – diirty. so, i decided i would step it up a notch. yeah…rejected. what’s up?)
 
today, my boyfriend broke up with me. we went to saunders farm and i got so scared in the field of screams that i peed my pants. i’m 18.
(okay, so he didn’t actually break up with me…he was way too in love with me to do such a thing. but i actually did pee my pants. this stupid bitch chased me around and wouldn’t leave me alone, singing “la la la la laaaaa, la la la la laaaaa” in a really creepy voice. i got scared, and peed my pants. yupp.)
 
today, as it froze rain, my boyfriend broke up with me, i locked my keys in my car, and my car wouldn’t start. happy holidays to me. fml.
(seriously. this goes back to the asshole who said i was “nice”. he broke up with me on boxing day, and then i went to my mom’s best friends to talk about it with someone and locked my keys in my car. then i stood outside in the freezing rain for half an hour trying to break into my car. eventually, my best friend and her cousin had to come help because we couldn’t get in. and then, after coffee and a little tour, i decided i should probably fill up. when i was done, my car wouldn’t turn over. ohhh, what a day.)