-welcome to my head-
okay, so here’s the scoop.
i’m keeping this short and sweet.
my friends SUCK! my “sister” got fucked in a wintery forest. my best friend, got fucked in an ice shack.
i need to top them. I DEMAND TO TOP THEM!
common guys, suggestions! COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT!!
lmao.
xo.
my weekend in a nutshell?
i slutted it up a bit.
hey now, a girl’s got needs. i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m going to strictly use men for my sexual desires. i have no need or want for a relationship, and chances are, they don’t either. this way, everybody wins!
keep me closer, i’m a lazy dancer, when you move i move with you.
dipped into the drinks friday night with my lovely “sister”. did some stupid shit. we had plans to hit up the bar but decided against. she ended up going to the super sexy guy she’s seeing place, while i paid a little visit to the forestry with a guy i hooked up with a couple months back. needless to say, i couldn’t figure out why my head hurt the next morning, as i was nowhere near hungover, until i realized it was likely from smashing it against his truck door during (always a good time). also, on a little bit of a side note; i got home around 2:30/3 in the morning, and when i awoke the next morning i saw i had a missed call. my (most recent) ex’s best friend. he called me at 4 in the am. WHY!? i don’t understand this nonsense. douchebag wants nothing to do with me, so why is he calling my best friend, and why is his best friend calling me. i’m not getting any closure from this, i’m just getting fed up. PEOPLE (the few of you that actually read this), i want to know what YOU think.
anyways, the next night, i did coffee with an old flame. even after 3 years he’s still got a thing for me, but i can’t stand the bullshit and the lies. so i decided i would use him for my sexual advantages. we kept it pg with an intense make out session in the back of his van. yes, van. my conscious kicked in and reminded me that 2 different guys in one weekend was probably not the most brilliant idea i’ve had… even if i did spend all day watching i hope they serve beer in hell (watch it, seriously) and reading tucker max stories. but, no matter which way i try to swing it, i will never be the female tucker max. however, i do have rather high hopes of giving him his own personal notch on my belt. a girl can always dream, right?
while i was having coffee with this “old flame”, i ran into my mechanic and his best friend… who just so happens to be my ex-boyfriend who i dated on and off for a year. the man himself who made me the person i am today (good and bad). strangely enough, it wasn’t at all awkward like i would have expected it to be. we talked for about 10 minutes, shot the shit, he asked me how my new town was (somebody’s been doing their research), and we talked about my car and what future plans we have for it, etc. but i won’t bore you with the boring details.
and that seriously sums up my weekend.
alcohol, tucker max, sex, and coffee. it’s actually kind of the perfect weekend.
and i’m doing it all over again next weekend! ;)
xo.
highlight of my day? (besides my boss doing an imitation of a cow) talking to one of my good guy friend about society’s outlook on cougars.
ie. someone our age, 18, sleeping with a 30 year old woman (in his case).
i don’t see anything wrong with it. what guy doesn’t wanna bang a hot older woman? hell, i’d do it if i were a guy! then we discussed (him) dating a 30 year old, which he said he wouldn’t do because it would just be too complicated. then the tables turned, and we started discussing and 18 year old girl (me) hooking up with a 30 year old man. check yes; been there, done that. he then asked me if i would date one, and i said yes. reason being; the maturity level i’m at, is about the same as theirs. and as much as i want a guy that has fun, i also want one with a head on his shoulders who’s going somewhere in life. not to mention, the experience! ;) i admit, it would be awkward saying my “boyfriend” was 30, and it would be greatly frowned upon by most… but since when did i start caring what other people think? needless to say, this was a hypothetical conversation and i am nowhere near returning to the dating game anytime soon. however, i will be playing the casual sex game… i mean, what?? haha.
AGH! my laptop honestly wont let me type, so i’m wrapping this puppy up… even though i would very much like to continue!
xo.
a slightly provocative photoshoot…
…with a slightly shitty webcam :)
what’s new in the life of….ME!?
no idea.
uhmm…i got my web pierced yesterday (it looks sick!) a picture will definitely be uploaded once it’s healed/the swelling’s gone down. i’m not sure if this was on my list of thing to do. i know getting my tragus pierced again was. anyways, the web definitely should have been because i’ve wanted mine done for 5 years (seriously). i was kinda bummed though because i’m ACTUALLY old enough now to get tattoos and piercings, it was weird not having to lie about my age. which got me to thinking, i miss being a young(er) adolescent and doing “bad” things and sneaking around behind my parents backs. i was actually quite good at it. my mom knows everything that i do, or am planning to do; tattoos, piercings, drugs & alcohol, sex… you get the point. and she’s okay with it!
example: i used to smoke cigars when i would be drinking (still do, kind of , but not really) and i found an old pack and had them in the garbage to be thrown out. i guess she saw them when she got my garbage and assumed they were put there accidentally and left them by my bedside table for me. WTF!?
example 2: the fridge downstairs, yeah, it’s my alcohol fridge.
example 3: my fake id. she knows about it. does she care? negative.
not that i’m complaining, i think it’s wonderful. but i miss the adrenaline and anxiety lying to your parents gives you. i miss when “oh, i just stayed up late playing video games all night” really meant “i got fuckin’ shit-faced and pissed in a corn field at the BEST party ever”. yeah. so, my little genius plan… i didn’t tell my mum about my web. it was pretty hard. the first thing i wanted to do when i saw her was open my mouth. but i thought back to my oh-so very adolescent years and realized the immature thing to do was keep my mouth closed. and that’s exactly what i’ve done.
and here’s a little tune to go along with my story (because, it’s very clear by my last few posts, that i’m bustin’ out lyrics now);
i wanna pull it apart and put it back together. i wanna relive all my adolescent dreams, inspired by true events on movie screens. i am a one man wrecking machine.
what else is new, new, new?
i am no longer dwelling on douchebag/asshole/whatever name has been designated to him. so that’s pretty cool. i’m back to my happy, cheery self. i snapped out of it this weekend. i’m not quite sure how, or why. i went and spent the whole weekend with my “sister” and her family. we played con (champions of norrath) all weekend. and beat the game, might i add. we were just shy of having not played it in an entire year! the last time we played it was january 29th 2009. needless to say, we beat the game then too. lol. i know, we’re pretty spectacular.
i got ditched by my best friend over the weekend. yep, that was fun. can’t say i’m really surprised. i also kiiinda got ditched tonight by her, and definitely got ditched by her for tomorrow. elaboration? i think so.
before the weekend, we had made plans to go out and drink in this shitty town i live in so i can meet people and not completely hate my life. well, a few days before the weekend, she asked me to do a double date with her and this guy she’s been seeing. only problem, i didn’t have a date… nor did i know where the hell to find one! on top of that, i made plans to see my “sister” (who just got back from the bahamas - jealous) on friday, and best friend and i had plans for saturday. once i disagreed to the whole double-date thing, she told me she didn’t even want to go out and drink this weekend, and she didn’t want to stay out here and that i should sleep over there in my hometown. only problem? i had nowhere to sleep because her house is too small and it’s a miracle if i’m even allowed to hangout there. after i told her no one would force her to drink, yada, yada, yada, she basically stopped talking to me. i went from friday morning to sunday evening without hearing anything from her. but oh, fb told me that she went out drinking friday night (yeah, pictures everywhere) and that she went out saturday too…pressumably with the guy she’s seeing. lovely. didn’t wanna drink with me, but i guess her other friends are just fine to drink with. maybe i’m over-reacting (personally, i don’t think i am), but i don’t appreciate being ditched by my so-called best friend. especially when there’s nothing i wouldn’t or haven’t done for her.
she stayed over last night (she got her tongue done when i got my web done) and she was supposed to stay over tonight too. i understand why she didn’t tonight, and that’s not what bothers me. what bothers me is that she said she’d sleep over tomorrow and when i confirmed (it’s sad when you’ve made confirming plans with your best friend part of your daily routine), she told me she couldn’t because:
1) her boss will get mad at her for coming in a half hour late (although, she’s already done it plenty before and could easily STAY a bit later)
2) she doesn’t feel like busing (but when we wanted to get an apartment together, all she’d be doing is busing)
3) she hasn’t been home all week (because her dad treats her like shit and she tells me all the time how she hates it there… yeah, i can see why you’d wanna stay at home)
4) she hates sleepovers (but she doesn’t hate them when she needs to get away from her dad, she certainly didn’t hate them when she was seeing a boy out here where i am, and she definitely didn’t mind always sleeping over at my old house)
so there’s 4 very different excuses, and 4 very different reasons as to why i think it’s total b/s. i’m not a convenience at her disposal, i’m her best friend. and lately, it hasn’t felt like it whatsoever. also, did i mention she’s leaving for cuba in a week and had she not come over yesterday i’m pretty sure it would have been over 2 weeks since i’d last seen her. but whatever.
needless to say, i didn’t get a response back from her so everything’s just up in the air. like it always is.
i’m just really getting tired of this rollercoaster. i’m getting tired of making plans and getting my hopes up, and then having her bail. i’m sick of her using me (or appearing to use me) for whatever she needs. i’m sick of being ditched for the guy of the week. i’m sick of being ditched for her shitty “friends” who wouldn’t be there for her even if she begged. i love her to pieces, and honestly have no idea what i’d do without her… but i’m pulling back. i’ve been walked over one too many times by everyone in my life. i haven’t taken bullshit from anybody else, so why should i take it from her?
anyways, happy thoughts! i have other overly wonderful friends who appreciate seeing me whenever they can. so i guess i’ll just make that much more time for them.
xo.
hey jealousy;
tomorrow we can drive around this town & let the cops chase us around.
xo.
i recognized your number, it’s burned into my brain. felt my heart beating fast, every time it rang. some things never change, that’s why i didn’t answer. i bet you’re in a bar, listening to a country song. glass of johnny walker red, with no one to take you home. they’re probably closing down, saying “no more alcohol”. i bet you’re in a bar, ’cause i’m always your last call. i don’t need to check that message, i know what it says. “baby, i still love you” don’t mean nothing when there’s whiskey on your breath. that’s the only love i get. so if you’re calling… i bet you’re in a bar, listening to a cheatin’ song. glass of johnny walker red, with no one to take you home. they’re probably closing down, saying “no more alcohol”. i bet you’re in a bar, ’cause i’m always your last [call] me crazy, but i think maybe we’ve had our last call. i bet you’re in a bar, it’s always the same old song. that johnny walker red, by now is almost gone. but baby, i won’t be there to catch you when your fall.
i bet you’re in a bar, ’cause i’m always your last call.
i’m not really sure who it was; my best friend or an annoyance i’d temporarily managed to escape…or maybe it was someone the annoyance knows? either way, somebody came up with the acronym “i.h.b”, also known as “i hate boys”. it’s genius, don’t you agree?
i’ve done some thinking. because, you see, i do a lot of that when i feel worthless. like now, for instance. my thinking concludes this:
boys are dumb. i really, truly do hate boys. all the good ones are taken, and even then, we show no interest in them because they treat us the way we deserve to be treated. instead of being happy and content in a relationship, girls deliberately seek out the assholes. you know, the ones that leave their mark. the ones that walk all over you because, essentially, there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for them. the ones that one day wake up and decide they don’t want you anymore. we waste all our time and energy on them and remain completely oblivious to the guy standing right next to us, waiting to give us the world. then, we get hung up on this asshole, and the story goes from there.
two months ago, i broke up with a boy because he loved me too much (among other reasons), and actually treated me well. do i miss him? n0, as harsh as it is to say, i do not miss him. 3 weeks ago, a boy broke up with me. do i miss him? yes. yes, i miss him more than anything.
last night, i spent 2 hours fighting for this asshole. and just to clarify, yes, it IS the asshole that broke up with me on boxing day, and it’s the same asshole that used me on new years. i fought harder for him than i’ve ever fought for anybody or anything. i opened up my heart to him, i put it all on the table thinking that maybe, just maybe it would make a difference. i tried everything that i could ever have possibly tried. where am i now? alone and miserable, sitting in my dungeon of a room in bum-fuck nowhere with absolutely no-one. i wasted my time, better yet, HE wasted my time. the sad and absolutely pathetic thing? i’d still follow him around like a puppy dog if i could, i’d still chase him across the country and back. i just want to be like him. not completely, but i would give anything right now to wake up one morning and just not want him, and to not hurt anymore from not having him.
this is why i don’t date. if i’m not breaking hearts, i’m picking up the pieces of mine trying desperately to put them back together. it’s not fun, this game that i play. i run around in circles, like a moronic dog chasing it’s tail. god, i’m so pathetic. won’t somebody please just cut off my tail?
my best friend, “gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind”. she’s hopped into this heartbreak boat with me. the annoyance, who, strangely enough, isn’t so annoying when she’s had her heart-broken, has climbed aboard too. thus, the three of us have hereby joined “ihb”. so boys, if you see those three little letters, now you know what they symbolize. don’t take it personally, perhaps you’re one of the decent few we’re just too stubborn to open our eyes and recognize. and, if by chance, you are that selfish asshole who can somehow manage to steal a girl’s heart, well…fuck you too. maybe you’re not doing it on purpose, but a little head’s up would be nice. how about telling us what’s bothering you rather than just dropping us? how about, instead of standing back and watching us fall, you catch us? even if it’s temporary… i’m just asking for a little support. or maybe, don’t waste your time, especially OUR time, and don’t bother even getting started.
i’m not a weak person, i’m really not. i’ve been walked over and used so many times you would think it’s become part of my routine. i’ve learned to stand up for myself because one day i did manage to wake up and realize that i wasn’t going to take people’s shit anymore. this, has made me strong. but, it’s also weakened me in a sense. it’s forced me to build a giant wall, a wall that’s almost impossible to break down. a wall that doesn’t enable me to properly deal with emotions. a wall that doesn’t let emotions in. this is why i run. i run far from every strong and powerful emotion, and when someone beats me to the finish line of MY own track, i breakdown.
’cause i’m a mess and you know that i can’t help it.
xo.
this is a song for anyone with a broken heart. this is a song for anyone who can’t get out of bed. i’ll do anything to be happy, oh ’cause blue skies are calling, but i know that it’s hard. this is the last song that i write while still in love with you. this is the last song that i write while you’re even on my mind. ’cause it’s time to leave those feelings behind, oh ’cause blue skies are calling, but i know it’s hard. i don’t think that it’s the end, but i know we can’t keep going. i don’t think that it’s the end, but i know we can’t keep going. but blue skies are calling, oh yeah, blue skies are calling. oh, blue skies are calling…but i know that it’s hard.
8 (or is it 9?) days later, i’m going to blog about my new years.
first, best friend and i had plans to go to the infamous bar we usually always went to. but a friend of mine mentioned that he had heard there was a 30$ cover. we went on fb later that night, checked out the bars fb page and learned that it was not 30$ but 35$. and it was to cover for some cheap fake 80′s band. AND there was a dress code…no jeans. so we said eff it and decided to hit up a bar we used to go to all the time before this new one had opened up.
so, she’s begun the pre-drinking & i have to stay sober until we arrive at the bar because i was driving. we parked at my mum’s best friends place (right beside the bar-very niice), and started drinking some more. i downed a bottle of wine in 15 minutes and who knows what she had. i decided that if my tab was getting too high at the bar, i would just walk up the street and crack open the rest of my booze, no big deal. so we’re at this bar/pub/whatever and i know EVERYONE they have working. turns out they can’t serve me because their liquor license guy is coming in that night & even though i have a fake id they just can’t find it in their hearts to serve me. bastards. so we get nachos and leave.
where did we leave to? the 35$ cover band bar. (i guess it’s pretty sweet that both bars are basically beside each other) even though we were wearing jeans, we figured we could flirt our way in since we knew the bouncers pretty well. nope. there was a chick at the doors. and signs everywhere saying “NO JEANS”. fuck. so we decided that i was sober enough to drive back to best friend’s place so we could get changed into dresses, tights, skirts, or whatever we could find. on the way over i decided that 40$ wasn’t worth it, on top of drinks, on TOP of the fact that it would have probably just been a lot of really old people. so we said eff it, yet again, and went to the next town over.
in this town, we went to a bar and it was pretty busy. we figured it would be a good time. so we paid our way in (10$ each) and bought some drink tickets (5$ each; we bought 4). there was a buffet and new years hats & other random stuff so it seemed pretty decent. we ordered up a drink and found a place to stand. nobody talked to us. we looked around and realized that everybody was either a) really old or b) a really big douche. so we left.
we drove up the street to another bar that we had gone to before. yeah, it was empty.
so she called my ex’s (the “nice” guy) best friend and asked him where he was. downtown. he told her that he wanted to make out for her for new years and that my ex wanted to make out with me (despite the fact that he had pretty much just dumped my ass 4 days prior). so i said “fuck that” and headed back towards her place. on the way over, i asked the time. 11:20. then i realized that no matter which way i swing this, no matter what happens, nothing could possibly get any worse than sitting in a house doing fuck all but drinking with your best friend. i turned around and headed for the highway.
now, given the circumstances of the weather, i couldn’t push very much over 60 on the highway. once we got onto the 417 and were approaching our destination, midnight struck. yes, i spent new years on the 417 with my best friend, listening to random songs. how wonderful is that? 15 minutes later, we got to the bar they were at. it was packed. we paid our cover and went in to find them.
now, at every bar you meet a good amount of, essentially, pretty fucked up people. and we had certainly met our fair share. once we found the idiots, they were chatting with this guy who we later ended up running into moments after. since the boys were being douches & completely ignoring our presence, we started flirting with this guy. it was pretty sweet ’cause he bought us drinks (redbull & cranberry juice for me-i had taken over the role of dd). as the night went on, we later learned that he was a creep and would undress us with his eyes and fuck the shit out of us with them every chance he got. we ran and got the boys. the whole night i spent listening to my ex’s best friend preach to me about how much my ex likes me and how he’s just afraid because he doesn’t do the whole ”relationship” thing, blah, blah, blah. i’ve heard it all before. matter of fact, i’ve lived it. he wasn’t showing too much interest because he was a little bit too preoccupied with some 4ft9in slut (aka the shrimp cocktail) who started throwing herself at him. i later found out that she knew one of his friends and had recognized my ex from fb, yet he had absolutely no idea who she was. and the only reason he talked to her was because she was buying him beer. buuut, then she started getting her flirt on with my ex’s best friend who my best friend was trying to get with that night, and who kept telling my best friend how much he liked her and, again, blah, blah, blah. so my best friend called him a douche and the shrimp cocktail overheard and started grabbing at my best friend and touching her all over her face saying “he’s not a douche, don’t you EVER call him that. take the back right now.” stupid dumb slut. i lost my shit. if there’s one thing i’m protective over, that’s my best friend. and you certainly don’t flirt with OUR men and then TOUCH us and expect it to be okay. so i shooed her off, called her some relatively vulgar words that don’t need to be repeated, and was quite pleased (but disappointed, at the same time) with myself for not head-butting her. i was pleased because i would have been pissed if i got thrown out, but i was disappointed because i would have loved to see the bitch fall. ugh. it’s a lose/lose situation. anyways,another character we met was this guy who kept out helping my best friend with her guy. well, he more or less helped HIM out with HER. it was pretty entertaining. so i asked him to turn around and tell me if he could maybe give my ex pointers on how to be a half-decent guy. he looked over his shoulder, looked back at me and said, “nope, that’s hopeless.” no surprise there. hopeless is, as hopeless does.
so we stayed ’til shutdown and it was a pretty fun time. turns out the boys had some key to some random apartment so we decided we’d drive them over to it and hang out there for a bit. also, somewhere inbetween all the bar chaos, my ex and i started making out. just to clarify for the next few events…
so we get to this apartment and there’s people in it (a couple) and the girl starts talking to my ex and whatever. and the guy starts talking to me, so i just shot the shit with him for a bit and whatever. then they went off into a room and we were all in the living room, my ex and i on the couch, and the two best friends on the floor beside us. so my ex and i started making out and shit and then we decided that we would bang. so we started goin’ at it right there (i’ve fucked with my best friend in the room before, and it was while she was gettin’ her bang on too, so it was really un comfortable with her there). everything was going fine until she started telling him to hurry up. then we would STOP to respond back to her and they would get into a little argument over it, while i’m just sitting there… waiting for him to pick up where we left off. after about 3 interruptions, i said fuck it and led him into the bathroom. what started off as a relatively far distance from the tub ended with me banging my head against the side of it. yeah, i got plowed on some random bathroom floor (hooot). so w finally finished and it was like 4 in the am. so my best friend and i decided we would head out (she was kinda pissed it took so long, but i’d warned her that sex with him was never quick). we ended up getting home around 5 in the am, and just totally passed out.
that about sums up our new years. we went from down-right shitty, to interesting. and that’s the only way to describe our new years… “interesting”.
now, to tie up all the loose ends;
the next day i was at tim horton’s having coffee with an old friend, and who walks in? my ex and his best friend. they sat down, we chatted for about 20 minutes and then as they were leaving, my ex turns to me and says “you’ll be around?” so, i assumed this meant he wanted to hang out. i gave his best friend a ring asking if they wanted to hang out later that night and never heard back from him. at around 11:30, my ex’s number came up on my phone… it was his best friend asking where my best friend and i were. well, i was lying in bed sick and she was out at the movies with a guy. then his best friend flipped at me for not rushing to see them and said it was “our loss”. i haven’t talked to my ex since i’d seen him at tim horton’s, and his best friend no longer calls lisa or i anymore. (i flipped at him for being a lying piece of shit) basically, he just said all that jazz about my ex so he could get closer to my best friend by having the 4 of us hanging out and i wanted none of it. so that’s exactly where we are now.
i seriously think that was really the only loose end. meh.
happy freakin’ new years! whooo.
xo.
